There are a lot of people from whom I have learned
about spiritual development, and perhaps one of the most helpful has been James
W. Fowler who has written books, now classics, on the subject, entitled, Stages
of Faith: The Psychology of Human Development and The Quest For Meaning,
followed up by Faithful Change: The Personal and Public Challenges of
Postmodern Life. If we are to
seriously apply the third principle of Unitarian Universalism, “acceptance of
one another and encouragement to spiritual growth in our congregations”, it is
important that we have some idea, some model, some frame of reference by which
to understand what “spiritual growth” entails. Fowler’s model and analysis is
very helpful.
In his book, Faithful Change, Fowler writes
about the importance of shame. “Spiritually, shame is related to the deepest
places of truth in our souls.” p.92 Polonius says in Shakespeare’s play, Hamlet,
“above all else, to thine own self be true.” What happens when we are not true
to ourselves? We harbor a deep sense of shame which most often we are unaware
of until someone asks us our deepest, darkest secret that we have never told
anyone and we shrivel, embarrassed, frightened, defensive.
Most religious traditions tell us that we should live in an open hearted way loving everyone, and Unitarian Universalist minister, Galen Guengerich, teaches that the ethical imperative of Unitarian Universalism could be gratitude. The problem is that shameful people cannot be genuinely grateful. They are too distrusting, too insecure, feeling too inferior, and they are, at least to some extent, close hearted, and close hearted people are not grateful people except in disingenuous, sycophantic ways. A person can’t give what he or she doesn’t have; can’t share what they don’t possess. Gratitude cannot be manufactured except in pretentious, artificial ways unless a person’s underlying sense of inadequacy, defectiveness, inferiority is resolved and healed first.
Some very successful and ambitious, intelligent,
charming people are full of shame because they are driven to prove something to
someone even if it is to themselves. And if you ask such people what makes them
tick, what drives them to excel, they usually can’t really tell you, but at a
deep level it is a fear of inadequacy and defectiveness. With such people,
their successes, their achievements are never quite good enough. There is
always a need for something more, something better, something more perfect. Perfectionist
people who are driven are not grateful people because for them, there is always
something missing; something that will finally fill up what John Bradshaw calls
“the hole in the soul.”
Some people mistakenly perceive these shame based feelings, thoughts, and behaviors as a problem in self esteem and self worth and while these feelings can be part of the picture, artificially trying to enhance someone’s self esteem with congratulatory interactions usually don’t help with the person’s underlying sense of toxic shame. What does help? Coming to understand that every person has inherent worth and dignity, and at one’s core, one is already perfect and loved by his or her Creator. The opposite of shame is not self esteem and self worth, but wholeness, okayness.
Back in the 70s, with Eric Berne’s development of
Transactional Analysis, there was a description of four basic life positions:
the first, I’m not okay but you’re okay is the depressive position; the second,
I’m okay but you’re not okay is the paranoid position; the third, I’m not okay
and you’re not okay is the position of despair, psychosis, and suicide; the
fourth, I’m okay and you’re okay is the mentally healthy position. Elizabeth
Kubler- Ross, the psychiatrist who mapped out the grieving process, taught that
there was a fifth position which is I’m not okay, and you’re not okay, but that’s
okay. Helping people get to this fifth position is the work of psychotherapy
and religion.
People come to Unitarian Universalism from other
religions or paths in life in which they felt abused, confused, refused, and
failures. They are looking not only for a place where they can be their
inadequate and defective selves, but where they can be accepted in their
defectiveness, and be healed, and helped to be made whole.
The question from this perspective is how can
Unitarian Univeralism revive, and rekindle a demoralized spirit? Is what UU has
to offer inspirational? There are some UU preachers I listen to in podcasts who
almost always are inspirational because they are not afraid of pain and
suffering. They can see into the depth of human sorrow, injustice, inequity, brokenness
and find a way to the light, to break open a ray of hope. These are preachers
who often seem to have suffered greatly themselves. In is in transforming their
own suffering that they are filled with compassion and mercy for others.
As a former Roman Catholic I was often told that church was a hospital for sinners and that healing grace was conferred through participation in the sacraments. Unitarian Universalism is not a sacramental church but what they like to call a covenantal church. Healing grace is conferred by covenanting with one another to practice our seven principles. So ask a friend, a family member, fellow church goers, “How can I help to facilitate your spiritual growth like I’m asked to do in our third principle which we covenanted together to affirm and promote?” Will they be embarrassed, feel put on the spot, feel awkward because they don’t know what to say? How would you answer if someone asked you?
As a psychotherapist sometimes I ask my clients when
it seems appropriate and we have a trusting relationship, “Will you tell me
what your interior spiritual life is like?” Surprisingly, I have never had
anyone fail to answer the question. Some people are more articulate than
others, but I have never had anyone not share something. It is a very intimate
question, isn’t it? We are asking the person to share something very personal
about themselves, and perhaps they might feel vulnerable, but often it is
something they have never been asked before and with an inquiry made with
curious interest, people seem not only willing to respond but somehow even
complimented to be asked. Try it. See what happens.
Dr. Paul Pearsall, the neuropsychologist, wrote that
no therapist should try to help a patient unless the therapist has some sense
of how the patient might answer these three questions: why was I born? What is
the purpose of my life? What happens to me when I die? I would add a fourth
question, “What matters the most to me in my life is___________? And a fifth
question, “What would it take for your life to get on a little better track, and is there anything I can do to help you?” I suspect that just asking the question is a big help in and of itself.
I have noticed in your previous articles how you have mentioned that until UU addresses the brokenness and suffering in human nature it will never flourish and serve the more basic spiritual needs of human beings. I agree. UU has a reputation for being pollyannish and complied of a group of smug goody two shoes. That's too bad, and probably not warranted however the universalist teaching that nobody is bad enough to be damned for eternity to hell goes against the whole hook of fundamentalist Christianity which teaches that one is only worthy if they atone for their sins by accepting Jesus as their God who supposedly did the atonement for them on the cross. This crazy belief is superstitious to say the least, and just plain lazy to say the most because people don't want to take responsibility for their own mistakes and the harm they have done themselves.
ReplyDeleteThank you for your perspective. It means a lot to me and I would guess to others and it has me renew my faith in UU as something deeper, richer, and more significant than just sitting around the chalice singing cum by ya and eating smores.