Showing posts with label Humor. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Humor. Show all posts

Thursday, May 13, 2021

Humor - The pitfalls of ministerial home visits.


A minister visits an elderly woman from his congregation. As he sits on the couch, he notices a large bowl of peanuts on the coffee table. "Mind if I have a few?" he asks. 

"No, not at all!" the woman replied. 

They chat for an hour and, as the preacher stands to leave, he realizes that instead of eating just a few peanuts, he emptied most of the bowl. "I'm terribly sorry for eating all your peanuts. I really just meant to eat a few." 

"Oh, that's all right," the woman says. "Ever since I lost my teeth, all I can do is suck the chocolate off them." 

Friday, December 11, 2020

White House says pardons will be given first to essential front line criminals

 For more click here.

Unitarian Universalists covenant together to affirm and promote justice, equity, and compassion in human relations.

Thursday, March 26, 2020

Humor- Borowitz- New Evidence Indicates Intelligence Not Contagious

New Evidence Indicates Intelligence Not Contagious
March 26, 2020
Photograph by Drew Angerer / Getty

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—New evidence uncovered over the past several weeks indicates that intelligence is not contagious, a study by the Centers for Disease Control reports.

In a controlled experiment documented by the study, a seventy-nine-year-old man with intelligence was placed in close proximity to a seventy-three-year-old man without it for a period of several weeks to see if even a trace of his knowledge and expertise could be transmitted.

After weeks of near-constant exposure, however, the seventy-three-year-old man appeared “a hundred per cent asymptomatic” of intelligence, the researchers found.

For more click here.

Editor's note:

What is the connection between Borowitz's article and today's Lenten Reflection on John's gospel, 5: 31 - 47? Leave your answer in the comments.

Tuesday, October 29, 2019

Casey Parker is looking for a church to ease his existential crisis.

Casey Parker, 28, is struggling with the meaning of life. His girlfriend, Kali, whom he has been dating for 6 months and living with for 3, broke up with and asked him to have his stuff out of her apartment by Friday.

Casey works at Walmark monitoring the self check-out lanes and constantly undoing the errors caused by the machines and the customers. There are 8 check out machines and when they are all being used, he is busy running back and forth dealing with frustrated customers who are mad at the machines and whole check out fiasco.

"I replace 7 cashiers," said Casey, 'and I've got to say it is a hell of a deal for Walmart to get their customers to do their work for them by making them do their own cashiering and bagging."

"Dealing with the constant clusterfucks puts me in a bad mood and I'm sorry to say, I took alot of my anger and resentment out on Kali," said Casey. "It wasn't her fault that I was acting like such a prick, but she didn't have to be such a bitch about it."

"I'm 28," Casey explained, "with an Associates' degree in retailing, and this is what my life has come to. I might as well go back to drinking and getting high."

"When I left work yesterday, I bought a 30 pack of beer to take home, and the freaking cashier ID'd me and asked me for my license. Then she called the manager for approval which seems to be his primary job these days approving alcohol sales."

"Maybe I need to go back to church. My buddy Chris from AA said drinking isn't going to solve my problems and suggested I find a nice church for support because I'm going through what he called 'an existential crisis.' I don't even know what that is, but it sounds serious. Do you know any good churches?"

Thursday, September 12, 2019

Calvin says he is better than everyone else because he is not racist.

It’s been quite a week at First Unitarian Universalist Church of Greater Dismal Seepage. Calvin Anderson, one of the pillars of the church, said that he was above all the talk about racism because he is the least racist person of anyone in the congregation. Those who not only like Calvin and his partner, Justin, but admire him, defended his statement when it was challenged by another member of the congregation who pointed out that he and Justin had bought a condo in a complex that was all white.

Calvin stated that the whiteness of the neighborhood was a matter of income levels and not race and that he felt bad that people of color who couldn’t afford to live in the neighborhood.

When it was pointed out that the condominium complex had a private security firm patrolling its grounds rather than rely on the city police, Calvin said that the city police department didn’t have the resources and the staff to adequately provide security to their neighborhood and since the home owners association could afford it they just decided to hire their own security rather than rely on the city police department. Justin chimed in, “Yes, and the city police aren’t very gay friendly so we would just rather not have them here to avoid any misunderstandings.”

Some people in the congregation have noticed that Calvin and Justin are strong supporters of LGBTQ rights but when it comes to people of color they seem to be blind except when it comes to intersectionality when they do take an interest in the LGBTQ rights of their colored brothers and sisters.

Becky said, “I know that racism is a sophisticated and nuanced issue and white people don’t want to give up, or have to apologize, for their privilege, but they have it whether they recognize it and acknowledge it or not. It is one of those topics where “ignorance is bliss” because when a person becomes aware of how racist systems work, they often are ashamed and deny that they have benefited from  them.”

And so there is a bit of tension at First Unitarian Universalist where the first principle gets lip service, but when it comes to its application people get nervous and self conscious escalating anxiety and defensiveness. However at First UU all the people think they are loving, smarter than most, and the least racist of any church in the area.

Tuesday, September 10, 2019

U.S. President, Donald J. Trump, gives himself control of the weather by signing an executive order.

According to Andy Borowitz, Pressident Donald J. Trump, has signed an executive order giving him control of the weather and if he declares that huricanne Dorian is going to hit Alabama, then reality be damned, the huricanne will hit Alabama and he, Donald J. Trump will declare a national disaster emergency and give funds to Alabama for rebuilding and reconstruction.

Narcissistic arrogance and grandisosity is not only a characteristic of Donald J. Trump. We all have this tendency and characteristic to a lesser or larger extent depending on our level of egotism and insecurity. The Course In Miracles asks "Would you rather be right or be happy?" and most of us would rather be right.

The kind of narcissistic arrogance born out of the innocence and naivte in children can be "cute" and "endearing," but when observed in a 73 years old adult male it is kind of frightening and then laughable.

Unitarian Universalists are not know for their humility or their nonjudgmental attitudes, but they are known for their sense of humor and their ability to laugh at themselves in self deprecating ways. So there is hope for us all yet.

Monday, September 9, 2019

Mingling of the waters makes man feel like he has to urinate.

Yesterday, the first Sunday after Labor Day marks the beginning of a new church year for most Unitarian Universalist churches.

Bart said, "I love Unitarian Universalism because they take the whole summer off. When I was a little boy my father told me we don't have to go to church in the summer because God is on vacation."

Bart told his friend Toby that in the summer UUs can do what they want because God isn't watching. Toby said, "Great religion! In our Catholic church God is around all year long so you can't ever have any fun."

In most UU churches, the first day of the UU church year is celebrated with the mingling of the waters. People are supposed to bring some water from their summer travels and pour it in a bowl with everybody else's water. With my UTI all I could think about when the minister invited people to come up and pour out their waters was urinating. If felt to me like my water needed to be poured, but I ignored it because it was just a sensation from the infection.

I couldn't help but wonder, what if everyone brought in a lab speciman of their urine and then poured that into a communal bowl what would the toxicology lab test would show was in all that urine?

There would be THC, opioids, benzos, Etoh, and God only knows what. If the congregation got a full lab report then we could guess who among us was on what drugs. Talk about communal sharing.

And so another church year as begun with the mingling of just plain old water from the tap, from the well, from the creek, from the lake, from the ocean, from the rain barrel, who knows? Each sample of water has a story, but the stories weren't shared just the water. Having shared our waters we are still a mystery to one another because water is just good ole H2O. The meaning of the sharing was never disclosed nor shared and I wondered with my sense of urgency, "What really is the point of the ritual?" I didn't really care at that point, I just wanted to go to the rest room to pee.

Saturday, September 7, 2019

Members of UU church claim they have no idea they are in a covenant.

            Members of the First Unitarian Church of Dismal Seepage, Arkansas, said after service last Sunday that they had no idea they were in a covenant.
            Pastor Megan Tremble stated in her sermon that Unitarian Univeralism is a covenantal religion.  People interviewed after the service said they were alarmed that Pastor Tremble seemed to be saying that they were a coven and that Unitarian Univeralism is a pagan religion similar to witchcraft.
            Jerry said, “People already think we are weird. My neighbor, last week, said with a great deal of disdain, ‘You’re a UU???? You people aren’t even trinitarian!!!” I didn’t even know what she was talking about. What the hell is ‘trinitarian’ suppose to mean.”
            Jerry’s wife, Linda, said, “Maybe it's time for a new pastor. I don’t want to be a witch in a coven.”
            When Beth tried to explain that a “covenant” is not a “coven” it seemed to be over Jerry and Linda’s heads.
            Jerry said, “I don’t know about any of this fancy church stuff. Actually, I like the coffee and donuts after the service and chatting with people about the hog market.”
            Pastor Tremble said after the service that maybe she tried to bite off more than the congregation could chew and it was time for her to move on from the backwaters of Dismal Seepage and look for an opportunity in a bigger city like Little Rock.

The "last barbecue"

If Jesus were alive today would He have a last barbecue?
From the New Yorker.

Friday, July 5, 2019

Is a Unitarian Universalist church a "God talk free zone."

Unitarian Universalists say they are proud that they don't believe in anything and its a calling card for other nihilists looking for  social connections.

Jeremiah Sutton told his friends that they don't have to believe in anything to join his First Unitarian Church. "Oh it's great! No creed. No theology. No pomp and circumstance. Just some febrile hymns and coffee. The coffee is usually very good."

Joey Marcuse agreed. "Yeah, the coffee is great and sometimes they even put out some cookies, crackers and cheese, and the carrot sticks with the Ranch dip are the best."

"You go to church for the coffee," asked Sarah with a bit of a frown.

"Sure," said Jeremiah, "and the fellowship. They have all these old people there. At first I thought you have to be over 60 to join this church. It looked like an AARP convention. But they were all really nice and seemed to really want us to join. They thought Joey and me were a gay couple which seemed to really excite them."

"Yeah," Joey said. "I told them I was transitioning from Joelle and that seemed to really turn them on. Jerry and I didn't have the heart to tell them we were straight. We didn't want to let them down."

"I don't know," said Sarah. "Doesn't seem like the place for me. I kinda want to know more about the Higher Power if you know what I mean, and drinking coffee, eating carrot stickes and pretending I'm a lesbian doesn't seem like it would be helpful."

"Yeah, well, they don't seem too interested in spirituality if that's what you're looking for. In fact, talking about religion and stuff seems to make em nervous. I asked one guy what he thought about Jesus and he said he was an atheist and not only didn't believe in Jesus, he didn't ever believe in God," said Jeremiah.

"I asked him what God it was that he didn't believe in, and the guy just snorted and excused himself and walked away," said Joey.

Sarah said, "Maybe they should put up a sign at the entrance that says, "God talk free zone."

Saturday, March 3, 2018

Can I get an "amen!" for that?

The social action committee at the First United Church of Holy Believers usually knew the right thing to do, that was not the problem.

The problem was how to do it.

Fred wanted to be nice.

Gladys wanted to be blunt and as she said, "Call a spade a spade."

Alice preferred a more diplomatic approach.

The pastor, Beverly, wanted them to pray on it.

Bernie encouraged a "take the bull by the horns" approach.

Robert advised more study before they proceeded.

Brian asked, "What would Jesus do?" You know, WWJD?

Don said the "time for talking is over. We need to do something."

Carol agreed but opined that now was not a good time.

Martha suggested a vote.

Dennis said he didn't think they were ready to vote yet because more discussion was needed.

David said, "I have to get home. It's getting late."

John said he had to go too.

Linda asked if they could talk more about it next time.

The dwindling group decided this was best since they were losing their quorum.

Nothing got done.

The path to hell is paved with good intentions.

Pastor Beverly observed that the meeting had "moved things forward" and asked if she could get an "Amen" to that?

A few of those left said, "Amen!"

And that was that.

Good people all.

The more people think things should change, the more they stay the same.

Friday, March 2, 2018

What's this UU AWOL vocabulary thing?

UU A Way Of Life just issued its first vocabulary quiz yesterday and readers of this world famous blog became upset.

"It took me right back to fourth grade," said Rebecca Simmons. "I remember being embarrassed in front of the class by Mrs. Luskey because I didn't know what words meant."

"Yeah, my brother and I had a secret language, "said Ted. "We made up our own words and made them mean whatever just the two of us agreed to. It drove my parents nuts because they never could figure our what we were talking about."

Studies have shown that special vocabularies have given certain people power because they use words that lay people don't know. Doctors do it. Lawyers do it. Ministers do it. It's their own special jargon and code. It's a sign that certain people are in the club and only they know best.

Robert Thayer, a specialist in languages told us, "certain people use certain words with certain special meanings and this certainly makes it difficult for certain people to know what the special certain people are discussing and know." Dr. Thayer ended his explanation by saying, "That's for certain. May it be so."

But not letting Dr. Thayer have the last word, Jerimiah Black, announced his expertise in buzz words. "Like flies," said Jerimiah, "they proliferate in certain environments where there is a lot of 'b**l s**t.' The less a person knows, but the more they want to impress other people, the buzz words fly."

Harry Simmons announced that Jerimiah's theories are "really big," "impressive," and that Jeremiah himself is a "really fine person."

Thursday, March 1, 2018

Prophetic voices - Archie Bunker on gun control

New study finds it's nice to have friends

According to The Onion a new study has found evidence that it is nice having friends. The study concluded that "friends help people feel less lonely."

Ashley said, "I have found the study findings to be true in my own life. As a kid growing up, people didn't like me. I didn't have any friends. That's why I started going to church. I found out at church people are supposed to like you even if they don't. It's perfect for me."

For more click here.

Laughter on UUAWOL

Laughter - you either laugh or cry

Laughter can sometimes signal an epiphany. We see through the crack, what Kurt Vonnegut called the "peep hole" into the cosmic consciousness. We can become what St. Paul  called "fools for Christ" in his first letter to Corinthians. And so UU Way Of Life will start to include humor in its regular offerings. Feel free to suggest your own favorites either in the comments or send them to

"If you wish to glance inside a human soul and get to know a man... just watch him laugh. If he laughs well, he's a good man."

Fydor Dostoyevsky
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Friday, February 27, 2015

Akilter - How you feeling?

What did the chickpea say when she had a stomach ache?

I falafel!

Friday, January 2, 2015

Akilter - The importance of potlucks in Unitarian Universalism

by Barry Walker

Beecham, MA - The Unitarian Universalist church is holding a pot luck supper this Friday night. Craig Barlow stated that he is really looking forward to it because Mrs. Wilsey will be bringing her green bean casserole which she makes with mushroom soup and bacon bits. "Everybody has their favorite dish," said Craig, "which is what makes it so wonderful. This is the main reason why I love this church - its pot luck dinners."

The UU church is a small church, they are lucky if they get 15 people to a service, but usually the number at the pot lucks doubles because church members come and bring friends. "We don't have a minister," said Lynette Wilsey, "because we can't afford one, but who needs a minister, really, when you can have pot lucks?"

Besides the food itself, the pot luckers say, they enjoy the fellowship, the gossip about what's going on in town, and the men talk about the Patriots football, but outside of that we stay away from topics that might be divisive like politics and religion. "We just get together to enjoy the food and each others company," said Heather MacNamara who is the youngest member of the congregation at age 47.

"Unitarian Universalism is a dying denomination," said Doug Anderson, "because we don't believe in anything other than being nice to each other, and you know what they say about 'nice guys finishing last.' A way to a man's heart is through his stomach so we consider our potlucks outreach, you know, missionary activity of sorts." Fred Dickson weighed in, "God, in whom we don't necessarily believe, would, I think, be very pleased because we get along together, and as Jesus told us, to love one another."

"Mrs. Wilsey's green bean casserole is made with love," said Craig. "I can taste the love in the beans and that's what church is all about."

Thursday, May 29, 2014

Onion reports nation is down to last 100 grown-ups and Markham says 80 of them are probably UUs

One of the last 100

The Onion headline reads "Nation Down To Last Hundred Grown-ups: Mature Adults Could Be Gone Within 50 Years, Experts Say"

As I thought further about who these last 100 Grown-Ups are, it dawned on me that 80% or 80 out of the last 100 probably are Unitarian Universalists.

Grown-ups can be distinguished from other contemporary homo sapiens by their rationality, foresight, personal responsibility, self discipline, tolerance of frustration especially in pursuit of longer term goals, compassion, empathic understanding of others, kindness, lack of impulse buying, and use of mood altering chemicals and activities in moderation and balance.

Grown-ups also tend to not just be tolerant but actually appreciate people who are different from themselves, interested in seeking the truth even outside their own comfort zone and if it means disturbing their status quo, and an appreciation of the interconnectedness of all things. Grown-ups suffer fools patiently and they are wise as serpents and innocent as doves to cop the words of J.C.

"It is no wonder that Unitarian Universalism is losing members," said Calvin Johnson, a life long UU. "There aren't that many mature grown-ups left. People are looking for answers and for someone to reassure them that if they do what they are told they will be rewarded. Most people are like children, they want immediate rewards for pleasing the dispenser of the goodies, and to know what the rules are so they can avoid doing the wrong thing and getting punished. It seems that people who can question, tolerate ambiguity, and listen to their own inner wisdom are rapidly vanishing. They are all looking at their smart phones, tablets, and laptops for the answers. God forbid they lost access to these gadgets, they'd actually have to think for themselves and rely on their own self sufficiency."

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