Explaining things to kids - Keeping that faith when "Haters gonna hate us."

Keeping the faith

THE DAY AFTER THE PRESIDENTIAL ELECTION, MY FOURTEEN-YEAR-OLD son left a message in the shower. With his little brother’s foam alphabet letters, he spelled out, “Haters gonna hate us.” 

It was the “us” that transformed the popular catchphrase into something troubling. I knew that the rhetoric of this election cycle had affected my children, but here it was spelled out so clearly. My son felt the vitriol towards Muslims directed at him.

 Over the course of the week, my daughter would ask if we were going to be banned from the country, pleading after my every reassurance, “But how do you know?” My five-year-old son asked if Trump would break our family. When I answered that as president, Trump would learn to be nice, he ran to share this news with his older siblings, his little feet light with relief.

How Do I Explain This to My Kids? . The New Press. Kindle Edition.

This mother’s hope that “Trump would learn to be nice” hasn’t happened over 3 ½ years. If anything Trump and the Trumpists have gotten worse. New words have entered our everyday discourse like “doubling down” and “tripling down.”

With children taken from their parents in the thousands, and unmarked soldiers in the streets beating and kidnapping protesters, what is a parent to say to their children about what their federal government has become?

The fourteen year old boy who wrote “Haters gonna hate us” after Trump’s election has turned out to have made an accurate prediction.

John Lewis knew the haters very well and stood up to them with courage, love, and determination to advocate for change. John Lewis has encouraged us, in his deathbed letter and throughout his life,  to continue to work for justice and the creation of the beloved community. The beloved community is described in our UU sixth principle as a world community with peace, liberty, and justice for all.

What is a parent to say to children about “haters gonna hate us?” A good parent should validate their children’s perceptions and say, “Yes they are. They elected Donald Trump to be their leader in their hating, and we will stand up to them and tell them they are wrong, We have every much a right to be here as they do, and we will do what we can to change their hating and the things their hate makes them do.”

A good parent tells their children, “We affirm and promote the inherent worth and dignity of every person and we will continue to do so even when the majority of people in this country don’t. But we do have friends who believe as we do and they will stand with us to change the way things are done in this country and in our community. Haters are gonna hate us but we don’t hate them back. We try to understand their fears and insist that things are gonna be okay. What we have to do, children, is keep the faith and act on it.

“We need to take care of ourselves, of one another, and try to deal with their hate with understanding, courage, resistance, and love to help make the world a better place. Remember that while the haters gonna hate us, the lovers gonna love us, and we love you a whole bunch.”

Okay?

Explaining things to kids - Importance of conscience and guilt

Management of guilt.

“What do you do when the President of the United States engages in name calling, bullying taunts, and inciting  violence? Donald Trump often calls his opponents stupid, losers, rapists, drug dealers, gang members and belittles them with names and taunts like ‘Little Marco,’ ‘Lying Ted,’ ‘Crooked Hillary,’ ‘Sleepy Joe.’  He encourages people at his rallies to punch protesters in the face and he will pay their legal bills, to ‘use their second amendment rights,’ and that he could shoot someone on Fifth Avenue and his voters would still vote for him. He brags to his buddies that he can kiss women, fondle their pussies, and they let him because he is rich and famous. How can we expect kids to stop bullying, name calling, taunting, sexally assaultinig women, and lying  when they see the President of the United States not only do it but win an election.?”

There is a question about whether the President of the United States is any longer a role model that would want our children to emulate or aspire to be like. But even more egregious and concerning are the millions of Americans who support and enable such behavior. What kind of a world are we raising our children in and how do we guide them?

The question moves outside the arena of politics to one of morality. There are good Republicans and bad Republicans just as there are good Democrats and bad Democrats, but regardless of political party affiliation, bullying and verbal and physical assault are wrong.

We need to teach our kids the difference between right and wrong. Good parents help their child develop a conscience and act upon it. The conscience sometimes makes children and us feel guilty. This kind of guilt is a good thing. Guilt needs to be recognized, acknowledged, and addressed. How?

If we do something wrong we are to admit it, take responsibility for our mistakes (sins), and act to repair the harm we’ve done. Further, we are to learn from the experience and consider and plan for how we could avoid repeating the same mistake again.

Donald Trump has been called a psychopath because he seems to have no guilt, never admit mistakes, never take responsibility for the harm he has done, and never seek forgiveness and attempt to repair the damage he has caused.

When it comes to role models, the worst thing is not Donald Trump’s behavior manifesting the destructive, harmful things he has done, but more importantly his unwillingness to take responsibility for it.

One of the most important tasks of parenting is helping children develop a conscience and learn how to constructively manage their guilt. The most important role model for children is not the President of the United States but their own parents. Does the parent admit mistakes, seek forgiveness, make amends, and learn from the experience?

Explaining things to kids - You can't play here. Only white people.

You can’t play here. Only white people.

The kids were kindergarten age and on the playground in the park. The six year old African-American girl went up to the spinning merry- go-round with about four other kids on it and as she started to get on, one of the white girls already on the merry-go-round hollered, “Only white people!”

As I witnessed this, my stomach fell. I started to get anxious and perspire. My heart rate increased, my breathing became shallow, my muscles tensed, I became light headed. At first, I didn’t believe what I had heard, but then as I saw the African- American girl back off, head down, turn and run across the playground to what looked like her mother, I wondered, what if anything I should do.

I am a white guy. What would it look like if I tried to stop the merry-go-round and talk to these little girls? Maybe I should talk to their parents. Who did these kids belong to on this playground? I am here with my 8 year old son who is on the slide. What just happened doesn’t have anything to do with me, or does it?

This could be what is called a “teachable moment” but what to teach and how to teach it?

Having given it some thought,  I walked over the merry-go-round” and said to the little white girl, “You shouldn't have said that. It wasn’t nice.” As he circled around, she looked at me startled that I would be talking to her. Her little playmates looked somewhat scared too.”

As the merry-go-round slowed down, I said,”What you said and did to that girl is racist and being racist is bad. You should go and apologize to her for not letting her play because of the color of her skin.”

The girl started to cry and the other kids looked very concerned. I just stood there.

The little girls all jumped off the merry-go-round and ran across the playground in different directions. I tried to see where the one little girl who had said the racist words went but lost sight of her.

Will she tell her parents what happened? Will she and the other little girls ever talk together about what happened? Will someone complain to the police about the pervert in the park that was harassing little white girls on the playground?

I never heard anything further about the incident. I don’t know if my actions that day made a difference to anyone. I often wondered whether my actions did anything to make the world a better place. I also wonder if the possible benefit of helping to make the world a more just place was worth the risk?

Jesus said that the way to the kingdom is “to love as I have loved.” Somebody, one day, asked Mother Teresa, “Who should I love?” Mother Teresa, “Whomever life puts in your path.”

For some reason or not, life put these kids in my path that day and led me to witness racism in young children. What is a loving person to do? We have many choices. I don’t know if I did the best thing, but looking back now, I am glad that I did it.

Explaining things to kids, Lying or telling the truth

Lying or telling the truth

Age 10 - 16

“Hey Dad I saw this thing on the Washington Post web site that the President has told 20,000 lies. He’s a billionaire and was elected President. Why do you keep telling me not to lie? How am I going to compete and get ahead in this world if I just tell the truth especially if it makes me look bad and gets me into trouble?”

“I guess if you want to lie like Donald Trump you can, son. I’m not going to tell you any more not to lie because you are right that liars can manipulate people with their deceit and get ahead in life. I wonder what kind of a life that would be never bring honest and never being able to be your real self but always a fake and foney?”

“What people don’t know can’t hurt you, dad. And if they think something about you or a situation that favors you that isn’t true, whose fault is that? As P.T. Barnum said, ‘There’s a sucker born every minute.’”

“You have to follow your own conscience son. If you think it is better to lie, then lie. Lying works for millions of people. It’s not my way though. I have never lied to you and I never will. That’s just the way I have chosen to live my life, but now it’s up to you to decide how you want to live.”

“So lyings okay.”

“I didn’t say that. I said it was up to you to decide.”

“So, if I said, Dad, that everything I say is a lie would you think that was the truth or a lie?”

“The truth.”

“But I already told you it would be false because I am always lying.”

“Sometimes, son, the truth appears to be a lie. It depends on the depth of your understanding. People rarely say what they mean. Most people lie most of the time. The president isn’t unusual. People do it all the time. A lot of the time people even believe their own nonsense when, in fact, they have no idea what they’re talking about. As Unitarian Universalists we affirm and promote the  free and responsible search for truth and meaning. It sounds good in principle but people usually don’t pay much attention to the responsible part, So the question might be are you responsible or irresponsible instead of are you telling the truth or lying. President Trump is probably one of the most irresponsible leaders in the world. The question, son, is do you want to be responsible or irresponsible?”

“I guess I would rather be responsible so people trusted me.”

Well then it probably would be a good idea to tell the truth.”

Explaining things to kids - Love everybody, even the ones who hate us

Over the last week, you would ask me questions at bedtime and I would answer them, kiss you goodnight, and go to the bathroom to sit alone and shake.

“If Trump doesn’t like boys who look like me, does that mean the government won’t like me? The army? What about the police?” 
How Do I Explain This to My Kids? . The New Press.p.9

Yes, the Trumpists don’t like people who look like you. You need to be careful around them. They will discriminate against you, attack you, try to exclude you, take you from me, and put you in cages, if not kill you. Many Americans will support them and allow them to do it because they have been told and taught to be afraid of people who look like us.

At church though they don’t think that and act that way. The people at church believe that everybody has worth and dignity. They love people who look like us and want everyone to treat everyone fairly. Even though there are millions of Americans who hate people who look like us, there are a few hundred thousand who don’t hate people who look like us but love people who look like us.

There are people who love you just like there are people who hate you. You need to grow up to learn the difference and to love everybody whether they love you or hate you. Only love gets love. Hate never gets love. So we need to love everybody even if some of them hate us.

Explaining things to kids - Does everybody hate us?

This summer, as Donald Trump picked off his competition for the 2016 election, you learned to read the newspaper. You had more questions. 
“Does Donald Trump hate all brown people?”
“Hate is a strong word.” 
“Does he not like brown people?”
“Some.”
 “Like Mexicans and Muslims?” 
“Yes.”
 “What about brown boys like me? Does he not like brown boys like me?” 
“What’s not to like about you?” I asked. Then I grabbed you and tickled you and sank my face into your stomach, where you would not see my fear.
How Do I Explain This to My Kids? . The New Press.p.5

What mom did not know then, but would come to learn, and her eight year old brown son would learn also, is that Donald Trump would take children away from their parents at the border and put them in cages to teach people a lesson not to come here.

And the American people will cheer and chant “Build the wall! Build the wall!”

How does a parent explain such things to a child?
“Some people are afraid of people who are different from them.”
“Why, Mom.?”
“Because they have advantages in our society that they are afraid they will lose if other people come here to live with them.”
“Like grandma and grandpa?
“Yes”
“So why did they let them in.”
“The rules were different back then.”
“And the President changed the rules.”
“Yes.”
“Why?”
“Because people are afraid and President Trump wanted the people who are scared to vote for him.”
“Is that how he got elected president?”
“Yes.”
“So now people hate people like us because they are afraid of us.”
“Yes.”
“I don’t want people to be afraid of me and hate me.”
“I don’t want that either.”
“How do we change their minds?”
“:We have to show them they have nothing to be afraid of.”
“How do we do that?”
“We have to be nice to them, even if they aren’t nice to us.”
“It doesn’t seem fair.”
“It isn’t.”
“So, Mommy, what can we do?”
“Honey, don’t cry. It’s going to be all right in the end, I love you. Daddy loves you. Grandma and Grandpa love you. Your teacher in school loves you. Your friends love you. The people at church love you. God loves you dearly. There are many, many people who love you and didn’t vote for President Trump.”
“So not everybody voted for him?”
“No.”
“That’s good. That helps me feel better.”
“Good night, sweetie. Sweet dreams.”
“Good night, momma.”

Explaining things to kids - Peer pressure

We are in a period of rapid social change. It is stressful for adults to manage the many changes that seem to affect our lives, and it is especially challenging for parents and grandparents who wonder how to explain what they are seeing and hearing on TV, social media, and in their families and communities every day. This is the first of several articles for parents and grandparents describing ideas about how to manage situations by explaining things in our society to our children and grandchildren from a Unitarian Univeralist perspective. These articles will be tagged, "Explaining things to kids."

Our first topic is peer pressure.

Many members of the Republican party, while expressing private dismay at his more outrageous behavior, seem intimidated and completely unable to speak out against him (despite the fact that many of them were mocked and humiliated by him during his campaign). Those who bow to Trump’s threats do not seem to understand the axiom that you cannot accommodate to a bully, nor normalize his aggression.

But we must also try to explain to them how someone like this could have been elected to the highest office in the land, and why our country seems to have rewarded behavior that most of us condemn.

How Do I Explain This to My Kids? . The New Press. p.x

Children understand peer pressure. My mother used to say to me when I wanted to do something that my best friend, Jack Blackburn, was doing that she disapproved of, "Would you jump off a bridge just because Jack Blackburn did it?" I was ten. I got her point. I would drop my head, look at the floor, and moan, "No, mom." to which she would provide the coup de grace which was, "Well, then you shouldn't do ________ either."

I was lucky. I had a good mother who encouraged me to think for myself, use my common sense, and stand up for myself and not do things that were wrong headed. I was raised Roman Catholic not Unitarian Universalist, but Roman Catholics stress in their character formation, as Unitarian Univeralists do, the right of conscience and the acceptance of responsibility for the consequences of one's decisions and actions.

At age seven we were taught to review our conscience regularly and go to confession to admit to our Higher Power what we had done wrong and to amend for any harm we had done, learn from our experience, and get our lives on a better track. This practice, unfortunately, seems to have diminished in Roman Catholicism and is not practiced at all in Unitarian Universalism. Children, now days, are not only not being taught the difference between right and wrong, they are not being taught to review their lives on a regular basis - to examine their consciences. Consequently, we are left with people who jump off of bridges following a bully bowing to peer pressure even when they know it is wrong.

Our goal is to raise courageous and brave children who will engage in the free and responsible search for truth and meaning. This truth and meaning is to be found in their conscience which has been informed by research, review, and understanding.

How and where is one to find truth and meaning when one is being pressured and bullied? First, one turns to trusted family. Then one turns to friends. Then one turns to social media. Maybe one turns to school. Lastly, one turns to chuch and religion. Family, friends, social media, school, church.

There was a time when the priority of sources of guidance was different. When I was growing up in the 1950s it was family, church, school, friends, media. Now the order of priority has shifted and church comes in last.

Why has church lost it's importance? There are many reasons, but perhaps the biggest is relevance. The teachings of the church have become irrelevant. The church no longer addresses the fundamental existential issues that people have to confront.

What does UU teach children about how to deal with peer pressure and bullies? How is it that a person with the character of Donald J. Trump got elected as President of the United States and supposed leader of the free world? What does it tell us about ourselves that we freely elected such a person to make decisions for us and the society we live in. How do we explain this to our children?

The simple explanation is that our society is very sick and dysfuctional. Our social values and beliefs are fundamentally immoral and antithetical to our mutual welfare. Unitarian Univeralism offers a better way based on its seven principles. It is time for us to stand up for what we believe in and proclaim our values and beliefs to the rest of the world. What better place to start than with our children and grandchildren?

The first step might be Peg Markham's question to her son, David, "Would you jump off a bridge just because Jack Blackburn did it?"

Would you vote for the Republican candidate for president who is a bully, a liar, a con man, an assaulter of women, a racist, a cheat just because your party put him on the ballot?

Bowing to peer pressue can have terrible consequences which we are living with now. We, as Americans have made our bed and now we have to lie in it. Unfortunately our children and grandchildren have to too some of whom have been separated from their parents and put in cages. Can we teach our children so that they can create a better world than the one we are giving to them? Do Unitarian Univeralists do a better job of character formation and parents of other religious traditions?