The third principle of Unitarian Universalism is “acceptance
of one another and encouragement to spiritual growth in our congregations,’ and
while it sounds deceptively simple, it can be extremely difficult and close to
impossible.
Homo sapiens is not neurologically wired to be
accepting, but just the opposite. The reptilian and most primitive part of our
brain, the amygdale at the base of our skull, is very wary of anything
different and ready to strike and kill if threatened or attacked. In the course
of human evolution, our brains, wonderfully, have grown and developed, and the
top front of our skull, the pre-frontal cortex is the part of the brain which
consciously assesses and often overrides our more primitive, baser, instincts.
As a psychotherapist, I get many referrals for “anger management.” Something
happened where a person “flew off the handle”, “lost their temper”, or simply “lost
it” as they say, “saw red”, “went psychotic”, and often did great destruction
to themselves, to property, and/or to others.
It is normal to see these “temper tantrums” in a two
or three year old, but in a 35 year old, it is scary and something needs to be
done. It seems, with the 24 hour news cycles of cable TV and the internet, it
is increasingly common to learn about incidents where someone went “postal” in
a church. It happened in our own Unitarian Universalist denomination in
Knoxville, Tennessee in 2008 when two people were killed and seven injured. And
so how “accepting” are we supposed to be, certainly, not to the extent to which
we put ourselves, and loves ones in jeopardy. “You can’t be too careful these
days” seems to be the paranoid attitude fueled by our government’s obsession
with “terrorists” around every corner to the extent that we all are subjected
to constant electronic surveillance and intrusive searches of even our bodies
by the TSA in airports. The message seems to be to trust nobody, accept nothing
they tell you, everyone is suspect until they can prove they are no threat.
It is quite a world we are now living in and
bringing children into which has developed a fortress mentality that has become
endemic. It is in this world that Unitarian Universalists are naïve enough,
gullible enough, maybe stupid enough to covenant and affirm the acceptance of
one another. Many of the Unitarian Universalist principles are counter-cultural,
but this one, if you study it closely, is, viewed from the conventional perspective
of our current society, insane, out of touch with reality, only for fools.
And so how are we UUs to proceed in such a world?
First, we need to name our fears, our anger, our
grief about “the other” because until we can name them we can’t manage them, and
we will continue to be influenced and impacted by emotional and societal forces
which we are unaware of or confused by because we are blind to what we are
dealing with. Until we can say, “This is what it is about this person, and
these kind of people, that scare me” we are doomed to act our emotions out like
children instead of talking them out, naming them, and figuring out better ways
of managing them. Secret keeping and hidden agendas are toxic cancers in the
body of a congregation. Of course, as we discussed in the last article, shame
is what contributes to our keeping our fears and animosities secret and so we
pretend we are accepting and welcoming when our deeper thoughts and feelings
contribute to us behaving otherwise.
Second, we need to stop with the excuses and second
guessing. “Well I could be more accepting if only ______________ or
____________________. If only things were _______________, then it would be
different. Maybe if ____________________happened or _________________happened,
then I could be more accepting.” And so we bargain with God, with Life, with
ourselves, with other people that acceptance could be possible if things could
be somehow different, but, of course, they’re not. So these possibilities and
wishes need to be explored. Are they warranted, legitimate, appropriate, or is
this just wishful thinking, denial, a not wanting to accept how things are. “It
is what it is,” say the Buddhists. “Yeah, well maybe that’s true, but that’s
not how it’s suppose to be or how I want it,” we want to argue, but we are
polite, civil, cooperative, and so we pretend to agree and go along while deep
in our hearts, the truth be known, we aren’t accepting of this state of affairs
at all. These excuses and second guessing is the cancer in so many
congregations, and if it is manifested and emerges even in the slightest,
people start demanding “conflict resolution” workshops. However, the issue isn’t
necessarily about conflict resolution but about fear. What, dear God, is it
that we are afraid of? And of course, truth be told, it is about loss, hurt,
losing face, the need to be right, there are so many barriers and obstacles to
accepting Love’s presence that we can’t even identify them all, count them all,
and yet if we just started with one fear and could manage it to diminish its
influence, or perhaps even eliminate it, we would be that much closer to real
acceptance. You will know you are on the right track when you have more peace.
Third, acceptance is not a simple thing. It is not a
magic key or a silver bullet. It is not a light switch that can be turned on
and turned off. It is an organic quality which has to be nurtured, cultivated,
fertilized, watered, and will blossom when people authentically can manage
their fears constructively and diminish their impediment to genuine rapport.
This is a process not an event.
More specifically how does this work? What will
help? John Gottman, the social psychologist who has spent his career
researching couple communication, calls it the 5:1 ratio. There needs to be
five compliments, favors, indications of caring and affection for every
criticism, negative statement or negative interaction. Acceptance is borne out
of recognizing and acknowledging what is right in relationships not just what
is scary and fear inducing and/or objectionable. Gottman says that every time
someone makes a compliment, does a favor, expresses affection and caring, a
deposit is made in what he calls “the reservoir of positive feeling”.
How big a reservoir of positive feeling exists in
your congregation? How could it be contributed to so it can grow? How can it be
used to offset pain and hurt? These deposits into the reservoir of positive
feeling cannot be gimmicky, fake, disingenuous, and artificial, they need to be
the real deal, the genuine article, honestly felt and communicated. It can be
something as simple as asking, “Hi, how are you today?” and meaning it, standing
there with your undivided attention curious about the other person’s answer.
What people want more than anything is just someone else’s genuine caring,
manifested in that person’s undivided attention. While it seems simple reading
this on paper here, it is the most difficult thing in the world to actually do.
When it is done well, though, a feeling of acceptance and belonging flourishes.
