Nicknaming: terms of endearment or bullying? The first principle of UU

Our UUAWOL fiction book for September, 2017, has been Dave Eggers' novel, Heroes Of The Frontier. On page 143 Josie, the main character in the book, refers to her foster sister Samantha, and describes how Sam nicknamed their foster mother, Sunny, "Sunsy." Eggers writes the passage thus,

"Neither she nor Sam had called Sunny by that name when they lived with her, and hearing her use it, twenty years later or whenever it was was, was jarring - as if Sam had assessed what Sunny had been to her and given it a name. Hadn't she once called her Sunsy? She had! Sam liked names, nicknames. These names did what - they helped Sam define, or redefine, what she and Sunny were to each other. They gave her some control, as if to call her Sunsy put her in her place, as a small and aging woman, whereas Mom had been a holy honorific." p. 143

Nicknames can be a form of endearment and they can also be a form of domination and control. Currently, we have had two presidents who have a habit of nicknaming people: George W. Bush, and Donald R. Trump, the most recent example when President Trump has called the North Korean President, Kin Jong-un, "Little Rocket Man."

To Unitarian Univeralist ears, these kinds of bullying put downs meant to belittle, and mock, are antithetical to our first principle of affirming and promoting the inherent worth and dignity of every person. Jesus taught that we are to love our enemies. It would be quite a different world if this injunction was affirmed, promoted, and acted on.

Why was I born? Kate Braestrup's answer

We continue out discussion of this month's nonfiction book, Here If You Need Me by Kate Braestrup. If you have suggestion for a nonfiction and/or a fiction book for October, please let me know in the comments or by sending the suggestion to me at davidgmarkham@gmail.com

Kate Braestrup writes in Chapter 11 on page 117

"But I suspected and even feared that no one who actually needed a woman of God would be fooled into thinking I was it. I have to say, though, that mourners and wardens have thus far proved to be remarkably accepting, reassuringly capable of seeing beyond me, in all my flawed particularity, to the power, mercy, and love of God and neighbor that I, by grace alone, am striving to embody."

And we should all strive, shouldn't we, to be a conduit of God's love and grace? Is that not our function here?

Kate Braestup seems to me to be one of those prophetic women and men that UUs second source describes.

From whence does forgiveness come?

UUs covenant together to promote and affirm the inherent worth and dignity of every person, and justice, equity, and compassion in human relations. This is quite different from traditional beliefs of many religions especially Christianity which has taught that human beings are sinful and only acceptable to God because of Jesus death on the cross to atone for our sins.

Carl was so full of shame for what he had done in his past that he thought he was unlovable. "What should I do?" he pleaded not so much to me but to life in general. He seemed inconsolable. My providing a shoulder to cry on seemed to make him feel better because he calmed down as he expressed his anguish. What does one do when one feels lost, when what has happened seems unrepairable, when the harm is so great nothing, it seems, can ever make things right again?

T.V. Smith gave a lecture back in  1955 at the Social Welfare Forum conference called, "Solve, resolve, absolve." He pointed out that some problems are solvable, some are resolvable, and some there is no solution for or any resolution for, only absolution. And how is absolution obtained? Confession and forgiveness. The balm for our souls is forgiveness and from whence does forgiveness come? Forgiveness

comes from a change in our minds, a change from the ego plane to the spiritual plane. Forgiveness comes from the recognition, acknowledgement, and awareness that the drama on the ego plane has no effect on the spiritual well being of God and God's creations. This insight, this joining with the Love of God, disregards the drama of the ego plane and rises above it.

Our anguish often brings us to the point of break through where we realize that our lives our unmanageable and we have to surrender to our Higher Power whatever we conceive our Higher Power to be. We move from darkness to light and we are filled with the hope that not only is salvation is possible but it is here right now and we can know it when we clear away the blocks and obstacles to our awareness of Love's presence which has never left us. We just got too caught up in our own ego drama to become aware of it. We realize we have been dreaming a really bad dream and we need to have awoken to a new reality which is God's love for us and our love for each other.

Carl, in his desperation, finally admitted that all the judgmentalism he had been taught about himself and other people was not true. He, with great sadness, said that the game he had been taught to play in his church where he was told he was a sinner and going to hell unless he did this or that or the other thing not only wasn't true but nothing that Jesus actually taught. Jesus, rather, told us that His Father in heaven loves us abundantly, that is unconditionally. Jesus, taught, in so many words, that there is no drama in heaven. Heaven is a place of love wherein, as Jesus said, "love as I have loved." And so Carl had a growing sense of peace. Maybe the things he had been taught and thought were not true. Carl said to me, "I think I am losing my faith." I said, "It sounds like you are and you are sensing everlasting life."

Here is what T.V. Smith said in his lecture about absolution:

"How, therefore, to absolve oneself from this excessive sense of guilt? I do not say from a mere sense of guilt, that is being too romantic; but how to contain this sense of guilt within its proper compass. We have on the one side the pathway worn by centuries of religious pilgrims who have undertaken through rites and creeds to load onto shoulders stronger than theirs burdens which they could no longer carry. We have in modern times the psychoanalytic couch. Neither of these is available to all men and women in our generation who must carry the weight of the world's causation upon their own shoulders. What are we to do? Is there a philosophy of life that when one has contained it will give him a curative sense of perspectives? I do not doubt but that there is. While this is not the occasion to present the remedial philosophy of life, let me call your attention to two attitudes, either one of which can enormously lighten the load of sensitive men and women whose chronic pablum is to feed upon the woes of other men and women. In the first place, this philosophy of life of which I speak would be characterized by a very robust sense of humor; and second, this philosophy of life would be characterized by what I may call "piety," in the old Roman sense of the term; identity with the world in which one lives, with the natural world and with the social world, in such fashion that one has perspective upon the world and does not feel himself to be alone. As a matter of fact, humor and piety are much closer together than most people think. Both of them are effective ways of getting perspective in terms of which we can recover our balance when the world or its tasks prove too much for us."

To summarize T.V. Smith's suggestions:
1. You can either laugh or cry
2. Keep the faith in God's unconditional love for God's creation.

What is your interior spiritual life like? The fourth principle of UU

The question arises when people say they are spiritual but nor religious what is meant by this phrase, "spiritual but not religious?"

It seems to mean for most people that they recognize that there is a Higher Power and that they are not alone or even the most important creation in the universe. However, organized religions, churches, do not facilitate and expand this awareness in a way that the cost of membership provides resources for spiritual growth in sufficient benefits to be worth those costs.

A further question could be asked about whether this response is flippant or said in an intentional and sincere way. Assuming that it is a sincere statement, then the person saying they are spiritual and not religious might be asked to explain what (s)he means by this and how does he/she pursue his/her spiritual growth? In our Unitarian Universalist tradition we covenant to affirm and promote the free and responsible search for meaning in our fourth principle and the right of conscience in our fifth principle.

I, as a psychotherapist, sometimes ask my client's "What is your interior spiritual life like?" I have never had any client object to this question. The usual response is for the person to become pensive, quiet, and then attempt to formulate an articulate statement which is usually meaningful and somewhat difficult to put into words.

Luke was 17 and a senior in high school. Luke was very bright, came from a middle class family who were pillars of the community, who his parents said, "is going down the wrong road." Luke, college bound, was not abiding by his curfew, drinking and drugging, having promiscuous sex, and being disruptive in school. His parents brought him to see me when he was arrested for shop lifting.

Luke acknowledged his parents' concerns but stated they were over reacting and "boys will be boys." It was his senior year in high school and he was doing what he thought he was supposed to be doing which was "sowing my wild oats" and "having fun." Luke was willing to see me  in counseling to placate his parents and make a good impression on the legal authorities as he was dealing with his legal charges.

I had met with Luke three times and we had gotten to the bottom of his situation, and we had developed some rapport in our relationship, and at the end of our third meeting not knowing where to go next, I was prompted my an inner intuitive voice (which I call the Holy Spirit) to ask him, "Luke, what is your interior spiritual life like?" He looked at me solemnly for a change and paused. Instead of his usual glib and ironic response he said to me, "Interesting question. I'm not sure. I like nature." There was a palpable change in his demeanor and there was a deepening of the rapport I liked but didn't understand. I said to Luke, "Well that sounds good. Can we talk more about it next time?" He agreed and left as thoughtfully and at peace as I had ever experienced him.

When Luke returned for our fourth meeting he said to me, "I really liked your question. I have been thinking a lot about it." We talked further about his inner yearnings, meaning making, hopes, dreams, and aspirations. I only saw him one more time. I have learned subsequently that Luke graduated from college, went to law school, and now is a practicing attorney living for the time being with his parents.

There is a deep spiritual yearning in our society which is not being addressed adequately by our mainstream religious institutions. They are failing while the interest in Buddhism, Yoga, humanism, mindfulness, and the Perennial Philosophy is on the rise. We all have an interior spiritual life if we pay attention to it. Perhaps the two most important questions we can ask ourselves, and people we care about, are "What is your interior spiritual life like?" and "How do you nurture it?"

Loving the one who scares you

It is written in A Course In Miracles, "There is a course for every teacher of God. The form of the course varies greatly. So do the particular teaching aids involved. But the content of the course never changes. It's central theme is always, 'God's Son is guiltless, and in his innocence is his salvation.'"

Rev. Lavanhar is a teacher of God as are all the people at All Soul's and billions of others around the world. It is Rev. Lavanhar's sermon on 09/17/17 that helps us remember what our true vocation is and that is to join with others to facilitate salvation or as A Course In Miracles calls it the Atonement which is the At-One-Ment when everybody loves everybody all the time. Impossible you say?

There are moments of grace when we have experienced this oneness with the universe but it takes, as Rev. Lavanhar reminds us, integrity to overcome our egos. Integrity is a wholeness within or as we said back in the 60s "getting our shit together." Some people have their shit together but most of us don't. It is a matter of degree because it is accurate to say that no one, on this ego plane, has his/her shit together completely. We are, to more or lesser extent, broken people. It is in unification that we compliment one another and achieve more wholeness. As Jesus promised, "Where two or more gather together in my name, there I will be." What Jesus meant was not literally in His name as in Christianity, but in His spirit which was loving the oneness of God's creation.

Today say hello to someone you don't like or who scares you and see what happens. Extending ourselves socially outside of our comfort zone may be one of the most loving things we, as egotistical human beings, can do.

Why do you or don't you go to church?

Celebrate the ties that unite us is a sermon preached at All Soul's in Tulsa, Oklahoma, on Sunday, 09/17/17. It is a wonderful sermon that all UUs and many others not UU can benefit from.

Why do you go to church or not go to church?

Radical hospitality

Went to church today, Sunday, 09/18/17. First time this new church year. The theme this month is "radical hospitality." The sermon was mush. Preacher seemed to miss the point. Didn't get what I wanted so I thought I would write my own sermon.

What is "radical hospitality?" Bottom line: it is hosting and welcoming people you don't like, people you find repugnant, people who scare you. It is easy to be nice and welcoming and host to people you like or aspire to ingratiate yourself with. That's mostly what passes for hospitality in churches looking to add to its membership. How about hosting and welcoming people your are afraid of and/or don't like? Now that's radical. It's based on our UU first principle.

Somebody asked Mother Teresa one time, "Mother, Jesus said that the way to the kingdom is to love as I have loved. Who should I love?" Mother Teresa said, "Whomever life puts in your path." And we can add, even if they scare you or you don't like them.

That's the hard teaching I wanted to hear and didn't. So I preach to myself and ask God for the courage and strength to be kind to the people who scare me.

Amen. May it be so.